Wowzers

So much has been going on, mostly dealing with school. I have two weeks before my first midterm and am trying to prepare for that. My second midterm will be the following week. This is definitely proving to be a challenge. I'm still trying to find an effective way of taking notes. I'm keeping the faith though, especially after I "cracked" my Communication Theory course last week. Well, I don't know if I "cracked" it, but it sure got a hell of a lot more interesting when I got past the "foundation" readings.

I also am trying to find balance in all this. I'd like to have my evenings and weekends free of school work, except for group projects. I'm still working on that, sometimes I break that balance rule, but its all a work in progress.

Week 2...Whew

Let's just say I realized that I need to put more time and effort into studying. I'm taking the hardest and most boring courses now...Research Methods and Communication Theory...gotta get them out of the way. But damn it if they aren't causing me to glaze over. I'm keeping it in mind that it gets better after this semester. The problem I'm having is trying to find interest in something that isn't really all that interesting. I mean...one course is about finding stuff and the other...well I think Communication Theory will turn out to be interesting in a few weeks. But I need to refocus myself because I'm reading the literature to get it done, rather than reading for comprehension...and that's going to bite me in the ass if I don't get a hold of it now. Also, I have to devote more time to reading the literature. It's quite a bit of reading and it would behoove me to start reading a little each day instead of a ton of reading in four days. But I'll get it under control...no doubt about that. Well, I'm off to Deltona/Orlando/Tampa for the holiday...later!

Week 1

My first week of classes is now over. I only have classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. I went to my second class on Wednesday for the first time (its only held once a week). Its a Communication Theory course and I'm hoping it's going to be interesting. This semester I'll have to complete, between both classes, two group projects and presentations, a paper on one of the group projects, weekly one-to-two page response essays, a 10-15 page essay, and four exams. I'll also have to go to work at 7:30am and take half-hour lunches to make up my hours lost during class time. I have my work cut out for me but I'm up to the challenge. No complaints from me.

First Day of Classes

So I'm officially a grad student. I went to my first class today and felt good about the upcoming semester. The course is one of the foundation courses for my degree program so I'm trying to get it over and done with as soon as possible. They're two books for the course (I bought all three that are required for my two courses last week for a grand total of $284.00). Best of all, I noticed I didn't feel any dread or melancholy this morning as I drove to work/school.

Fear/Change

A few days ago I came across II Timothy 1:7. It reads "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." In these last few days before the start of classes, I found myself dreading this 2-3 year journey.

Part of it was due to realizing that I will be living in Tallahassee for another few years...I'm hard-pressed to find any good that has occurred to me while living here and a change of scenery would do me good. While my personal experience living here shouldn't be a reflection of the city as a whole, I really need to dive into another area. I look back and see how fast my time in undergrad went by and I'm hoping this will progress swiftly and fruitfully.

I had a series of graduate student orientation sessions yesterday and found myself increasingly somber, afraid, and near tears as they progressed. I can't explain why...I kept thinking I don't want to be here, I'm not sure this is the right for me, and Hell, its to late now. The sessions began at noon and were scheduled to end at 6:30 pm. It was four in total, with only one being specific to my degree program and it was to start at 5:30pm.

I was expecting to register for classes in the last session. But it turned out to be something of an info session. I was handed a folder full of forms that needed to be filled out and a list of classes offered. We were prompted to introduce ourselves and tell why we chose the program and who influenced us in doing so. And this...this is where my fears began to alleviate. As the introductions started I found out that I would be working closely with a group of people that chose this program for reasons similar to my own. Among my classmates are a former FOX Studios employees, a hilarious gay guy that reminds me of Perez Hilton but only nicer, a female sports newscaster, and a former USAToday reporter with 25 years experience in the communications business (who I promptly asked to have coffee with me later in the week so that I can may gain helpful tips on succeeding in the world of Communications). After the session ended I felt relieved, refreshed, and no longer afraid and fearful of this endeavor. I realized that I was in the right place and that everything was as it should be. And all I could think about was II Timothy 1:7.

I'm back...

Hey everyone, long time no blog. Like I posted a few weeks ago, my uncle died. I'll write about him in a future blog. I don't feel up to it today.

A few weeks ago I received an email informing me of orientation dates for my master's program. I have two later this month. For the most part I'm excited about going back to school. I hate the feeling of idleness and am not used to working towards nothing...I mean...I've been in school my whole life working towards something. I knew that I would continue my education past a Bachelor's degree, but I wasn't expecting to have an almost nine month break.

I found it hard to relax and enjoy this time...and honestly I haven't. Plus being out of school has kind of shaken my confidence. Sometimes I'll think in regards to getting a Master's "Is this really what I want to pursue?" Of course it is, but I'm not one that usually embraces change...I just go with the flow of the change. I felt the same way when I graduated high school. I was terrified of going to college and didn't think I was up for the challenge (even though I graduated high school with honors). And when I finally got to college, I wasn't so sure I wanted to stay there after about the third week. My saving grace is that I realize that moments of insecurity are fleeting and...moments. They sweep and swoop over my path, but never stall my journey.

I had to much free time during this break. And to circumvent fiddling my thumbs I decided to make a lifestyle change and get into shape. To date I've lost 27lbs...although I've dropped 41lbs from my heaviest weight. I tipped the scale at 211lbs, made a lifestyle change at 197lbs, and currently weigh 170lbs. I decreased my BMI from 29.4 (overweight but at the cusp of obesity) to 23.7 (normal). I've very pleased with my results and am almost enjoying working out lol. I strive to workout five days a week...I don't always make five though. Three days of weights and five days of cardio. And let me point out that I run..ahem..2 miles with relative ease...and walk two to catch my breath...lol. But that's all for now...I'll be back to write soon.

I know it's been awhile..

I'll write something soon. I had a death in the family and simply haven't been up to blogging.

Stopped by the Cops Again

My aunt who lives in Ft. Lauderdale was in town this past weekend. I think she had been here since Thursday. I called her Saturday night and asked if she wanted to do brunch before she left on Sunday. She said sure, but then called me back later that night and said my grandfather was going to cook breakfast and that I should come out there instead.

Normally, I would have been fine with that, but he lives in a neighboring city about 45 minutes away from me and breakfast is...breakfast, which meant that I would have to get up extra early to make it there on time...and at this point it was already after midnight. I told her "ok" and that I'd be there. I mean...its not like I can say "I'm not coming because I want to sleep longer."

So, the next morning I start my trek. I left my apartment around 9:10 am. Around 10:15 am...I tend to drive slow so it took longer than 45 minutes...I start getting into the city. Now the road I take goes from 65 mph all the way down to 25 mph in a very short amount of time. It was also at this time that my mother called me to see how far away I was (I don't know why...they'd already eaten dinner). So, I'm on the phone and she asks where I am..."I'm passing the sheriff's office. Oh...shoot there's an officer and he's pulling out...let me get off this phone." So of course the officer gets behind me... and trails me like they always seem to do before they stop you. And then the lights came on.

The officer told me he clocked me going 45mph in a 25 mph zone and asked if there was any reason for that. So, I told him exactly what I just wrote about my aunt, grandfather, breakfast, being late, mom called, and I wasn't paying attention even though I'm from the city and thus, familiar with the road. He said "Ok," took my license and registration and went back to the car. A few minutes later he came back and gave me my license, registration, and a warning. Yep, only a warning.

My parents told me the city was trying to raise money for whatever reason and that I should have gotten a ticket instead (thanks Mom and Dad). Truth be told...I never expected to get a ticket and have never been given a ticket for speeding (although this was the first time I was stopped for speeding, although there was one time that I...no I better not manifest that here). Like I've stated before, I'm a pretty good positive thinker. But I was also ready to hand that ticket over to one of the family members that was rushing me to get there in a hurry. But it all worked out, God is good, I saw the family, and ate cereal.

Update...Part 2

I have been on the Fat Smash Diet for 40 days now, and have lost 17lbs while on it...bringing my grand total to 31lbs. I'm also walking/running 4 miles a day. I walk a mile to and from my car throughout the day and then head to the park to walk two miles and run one. But man...that heat is something serious. I'm just doing my best to stay hydrated so that I don't pass out while I'm huffing and puffing and listening to Letoya's "She Ain't Got Shit On Me" LOL. That's my motivation music. Oh and yesterday was my parent's wedding anniversary. They've been married 26 years...shout out to them.

A Little Update

I've lost 12 lbs since I started "The Fat Smash Diet." I'd already lost 14 lbs before starting the diet. So in total, I've lost 26 lbs. I've also been lifting weights and am starting to see noticeable results. A few mornings ago I woke up and looked at my arm and laughed. I like men with nice arms (some may call that a fetish). And now I'm one of those men! LOL It was a good laugh, a healthy laugh. My legs are shaping up nicely as well. I'm also up to working out 6 days a week. I do cardio and weights on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My two "nothing but Cardio" days are Tuesday and Thursday. I do yoga on Sunday. And I don't do anything on Saturday unless I skipped a day during the week. I plan on keeping this up. My confidence has also boosted. I proudly wear my shirts tucked. Heyyyy!

Getting it back...(Body, Results, etc.)

Not much has been going on lately. Just living, working, and exercising. I’m 17 days into Dr. Ian’s Fat Smash Diet and have lost around ten pounds. I tweaked the program a bit. I’d been exercising and doing weights for about a week or two before I started the diet. However, the program suggests waiting until Phase 3 to incorporate weights into your workout routine. I didn’t want to stop so I kept on doing the weights. I’ve noticed a significant change in my body. I’m visibly thinner, and my limbs are more toned. I have a goal to be beach-ready in September (although I’m sure I won’t be going to a beach as I don’t do open water like that). Also, I got my STD test results yesterday. Everything was negative. While I’m getting my body in better shape and taking personal inventory I’ve chosen to become celibate. I wasn’t getting any on the regular anyway...LOL


On the downside of things...I think I'm developing feelings for someone. And I don't want to...

Oh nothing much...

I've just been living and working, not much going on at the moment. I've started Dr. Ian's "Fat Smash Diet Program." I'm on Day 4 of Phase 1. So far, its going pretty good. The first day was the hardest, but now I'm settling into it. It lasts for nine days and I'll be finished with the detox/first phase on Wednesday. My mom was supposed to be doing the diet with me, but she's cheated every day...except for today...well I don't know what she's ate since I spoke to her this morning. At any rate, I've lost 4 pounds already. Wish me luck...

I hate first impressions...

Just in general, I hate first impressions. I once went to a "meet and greet" with some people from a message board that I frequent. We were all cool on the board and I thought it would have been an enjoyable experience. However, when we actually met up it was something off-kilter...me LOL. I attribute that to them not knowing I was gay and trying to cover it up. Oh well, I'm glad I grew out of that. I spoke to one of the members recently and he said that I seemed like I didn't want to eat in front of them, LOL. That's kind of an odd observation though because I distinctively remember enjoying corn on the cob and then making a joke about it. I just don't like first impressions. They are too weighted...like an honors course in high school. I'm the type of person who has to warm up to you. My first impressions are cordial at best and are in no way warm and personable. But I mean really...is that my fault?

I got tested yesterday...

I had a STD screening yesterday. There was nothing to be worried about, but as a gay man I feel its something I have to do as regularly as seeing a dentist. Its always an interesting experience to say the least. It starts with a urine sample. (I’d prefer to have a plastic cup with a cap on it, but who am I to question the tried and true methods of peeing in a paper cup with no cap on it.) For me that’s always the hardest part because I have to put the cup down, fix my clothes, and wash my hands while carrying around a urine sample. But once that’s over its all good, lol. Then I had to go back to the waiting room for a while and update some paperwork.

I usually go to the Department of Health’s clinic. It’s quick and the services are prorated based on your income. My total cost was a little over $7. There is a television in the waiting room that’s always on CNN. And of course the latest state to recognize gay marriage was being featured, lol. For a moment I was slightly uncomfortable (despite recognizing gay tendencies since the age of 4 and always knowing I was gay, I didn’t embrace my sexuality until I was 21 so I’m still getting used to being okay with it). The segment featured two men kissing…in general I’m not a fan of public displays of affection. But then a guy sitting two chairs away from me let out a groan and then a chuckle. It was about ten of us in the waiting room and he was the only one to outwardly react to the segment. (1 out of 10 ain’t bad at all.) But anyway…that’s the kind of shit I have to deal with.

I didn’t have to wait too long before Louise (name changed), the nurse, called my name. She was probably in her mid-50s, white, short hair, stocky, and about 5’4.” She checked my blood pressure which was 176/20 something. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but it was good. Then the interesting part came… She proceeded to ask me the usual questions, but felt the need to caution me about them being sexually explicit. I think she was uncomfortable asking me the questions…I had no problem answering them. It’s easy to answer “no” to “have you ever had sex with anyone for money or drugs?” Hell no! LOL But I guess its something enigmatic about a young, black, clean-cut, gay guy being responsible for his health. LOL, anyway…I’ll give her a pass. And I did. She flustered and said, “Sometimes these questions are just…” I helped her out and told her, “I’m a writer, so I’m used to putting myself out there.” She laughed and asked if I was planning on writing a novel. Not just yet Louise.

The nurse took my blood sample. The sight of the needles hurt more than the insertion itself so I tend to look away. Louise finished labeling and writing, told me the doctor would be in shortly, and left. I moved from the chair to the examination table because it was more comfortable, plus I knew I’d end up on it anyway. Might as well beat the doctor to the punch, right?

I had to wait about a minute before the doctor came to the room. She was a friendly lady, and the same doctor I’d seen on previous visits. She started the examination by asking me if anything was wrong, checking lymph nodes, and checking my chest, back and feet for a rash specific to syphilis. Everything was cool…moving along. She took a throat culture by sticking these things that looked like long cotton swabs down my throat and joked saying, “This is the part I hate. It’s usually when I see something coming back at me that I move away.” “I bet you do,” I said. She laughed and told me to pull down my pants and underwear so she can check out the “going ons” down there, LOL. She didn’t say it like that…that’s all me LOL. But it was at the moment that I remembered I’d wore bikini underwear that day…oh well.

“I would wear a special kind of underwear today,” I laughed.
She looked.
“There’s nothing wrong with those underwear,” she replied.
“Yeah, you’ve probably seen it all.”
She burst out laughing...it didn’t seem all that funny to me but I guess it made her remember a particular patient in the past.
“Well, I don’t say that I’ve seen it all because as soon as I do…something else trumps it.”
She composed herself and examined the front and back. Everything’s cool and she told me I could pull my pants back up.

The doctor did some more writing and labeling and gave me my checkout form to take to the cashier. She told me to schedule an appointment to come get the results in three weeks and sent me on my way.

Overall, it was a respectful experience and I hope this post shows that its not as bad or scary as it may seem. It may be and seem a little uncomfortable, but if you pride yourself in being responsible for your health you’ll be okay. So now it’s your turn!

50 FIRST REACTIONS

This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS. Type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you see these 50 words. Don’t think and don’t go back and change. Doesn’t matter how random it is, just type it!

1. Beer: Yuck
2. Food: Love
3. Relationships: Ha!
4. Your CRUSH: I’m crushed out at the moment.
5. Power Rangers: I always wanted to be the black one.
6. Life: Great
7. The President: He reminds me of an uncle.
8. Yummy: Tummy
9. Cars: Eh
10. Movies: I need to check out the latest.
11. Halloween: Don’t celebrate it.
12. Sex: Hehehe…not a regular occurrence
13. Religion: Why did religion have to be right after sex?
14. Hate: Why?
15. Fear: Perfect love (God) casts out fear.
16. Marriage: Maybe…
17. Blondes: Ummm…what about them?
18. Slippers: I need some new ones but I never think to buy some when I go to the store.
19. Shoes: Its time to buy some
20. Asians: Love their food.
21. Past time: Good company…come sit with me by the sea.
22. One night stand: Yuck
23. My cell phone: I need a new one…I have my eye on the Palm Pre
24. Smoke: Tried it a few times, but not my thing.
25. Fantasy: Trying to make it a reality.
26. College: Been there done that…about to do it again.
27. High school life: Hated it.
28. Pajamas: Love them.
29. Stars: In the sky?
30. Center: My mom has a daycare center.
31. Alcohol: I’m not big on it.
32. The word love: As a noun or a verb? I prefer loving…noun and verb hehehe.
33. Friends: Oh man…I love them.
34. Money: Ooh child.
35. Heartache: Been there done that.
36. Time: Too much and not enough.
37. Divorce: I hope to never experience it.
38. Dogs: You know…I like them, they’re funny, but I don’t want one…at the moment.
39. Undies: What about them? They’re clean.
40. Parents: Cool people for the most part.
41. Babies: Oooh no. Just had a nightmare about that very thing.
42. Ex: Never had one.
43. Song: “There Goes My Baby” by Charlie Wilson
44. Color: Black of course
45. Weddings: Who’s getting married?
46. Pizza: Mmmm….cheese with pineapple and extra sauce. Oh and don’t forget the extra garlic sauce cups.
47. Hangout: Home…friend’s house.
48. Rest: Yes…I need some.
49. Goal: Working on it.
50. Inspiration: People…where they’ve come from, been, and are going.

I received my acceptance letter...

I received my official acceptance letter in the mail yesterday. I need to send an email to the admissions liaison to clarify the requirements. The letter stated that I will have to receive a 3.25 on three courses at the end of my first semester. But, I will only be going part-time and taking two courses. Hmmm…

I was pulled over by a police officer...

The Grad is on his way home Sunday night after doing laundry at his parents’ house. It is shortly after dusk when he makes his last turn to go down the road his apartment complex is on. He is talking to a friend and notices the infamous blue lights behind him. The Grad tells his friend he’ll call her back. He pulls over in the parking lot of Papa John’s and rolls down his window.


Officer: Good evening sir, may I see your license?
The Grad: Sure… (slightly frustrated)
(reaches for wallet to find license)
Officer: The reason I pulled you over is because your taillight is out.
The Grad: Oh it is? Well at least its not for a [speeding] ticket. (Gives officer license.)
Officer: No, no. We try not to give out tickets for taillights being out. You could have just replaced it and it could have gone out. Wiring get crossed up sometimes. Ms. Grad, I’ll be right back. (Walks over to police car and calls in license number.)

The Grad texts the friend he’d been on the phone with and thinks that the officer must have a lisp since he referred to him as “Ms.” He is slightly agitated and can hear the officer communicating with whomever it is that checks license numbers at the precinct. The officer begins approaching the Grad’s vehicle.

Officer: Here you go Mr.Grad. You’re all set to go. Try and get that taillight fixed as soon as possible.
The Grad: Alright. Thanks.
The Grad drives away and calls friend.
Friend: Hello?
The Grad: Ain’t this some bull…

The Grad and his friend talk about the incident. It's no big deal, but that's what they do anyway.

The End

Death in the Family

My grandmother's oldest sister died this morning. She lived in Ohio and was in her mid-70s. I didn’t know her that well, but she was family. I don’t think I’ll make the funeral. Rest in peace Aunt Pearl.

Glad I got that taken care of...

For the last few days I have been trying to take it all in and calm down. I had a moment on Saturday that purged a lot of the stress and burdens I’d been dealing with the last few months. So now I’m in that “exhausted-because-I-just-got-all-this-shit-off-my-chest” kind of phase. A great glass of wine and good night’s sleep will presumably do the trick but I have to wait for the weekend to do that. (I don’t want to mess it up by having to answer to an alarm clock.) But anyway….

Yesterday when I got home, it was time to do some cleaning. Generally, I keep a very neat and clean home. But recently, I had started slacking. I had laundry to put away, dishes that needed to be washed, mail that needed sorting, et al. As I was getting ready to vacuum, I picked up an envelope that was on the floor. And guess who it was from...my student loan lender. It was an invoice and I’d already missed my first payment. So immediately, I’m think “hold the hell up…this ain’t due for another few months.” I found the number to the lender and gave them a call. Of course there was no option to speak to an associate… just to pay. Umm so…I just kept pressing 0 until I got someone on the phone.

Now I’m for equality of all people and discrimination of none. I’m aware that other people need a paycheck just as much as I need one. But dagnabit....when it comes to matters of bills and student loans it is crucial that we both understand each other clearly over the phone. The associate had a heavy, heavy accent. All I know for sure is that I’m still under my grace period for one of my consolidated loans and that I’ll need to apply for a forbearance when its over, and that I have a forbearance for an additional loan that ends August 24, 2009…the day I start classes, at which point my student loans will automatically go back into deferment. How sweet is that?

And so the journey begins…

I consider myself to be a master of positive thinking. Worrying, complaining, doubting, and all that stuff…what good does it do? Gloria Naylor wrote in The Women of Brewster Place that “women are all always talking about what a man ain’t instead of what he is.” And that’s how I tend to look at things. What is...rather than what ain’t. It took a long and hard time for that type of thinking to embed itself into my mind in the form of habit, but it was worth it.

When I applied to graduate school twelve days after the deadline, I never once thought that I’d be rejected. Pursuing a degree in Communications felt ordained to me. One morning as I was on my way to work (before I submitted the application) I prayed to God to give me a sign today to let me know that I’m following Your will for my life and pursuing that which You want me to have. When I got to work a reminder popped up on my computer screen saying “What to Expect in Graduate School Seminar this evening at 5:30pm.” I’d completely forgot about the seminar that day and up until that moment wished I was in a bed rather than an office chair. One of the speakers at the seminar was the chairman of the College of Communications. I remember thinking, “Wow. Father, this must really be for me. Thanks for the sign.” And I held on to that thought…that this was for me…in spite of my less than stellar application…even now.

Today, I was just about to go on my lunch break when I decided to check my email. I’d been checking it five and six times a day since I’d submitted the application. This time there was an email waiting on me from the chairman of the College of Communication. I’d been accepted. Yep…you read right. I’ve been accepted to the Master’s in Media and Communication Studies program for the fall semester. Man…God is so good.

I received a provisional acceptance letter. What it is and what it ain’t. Because of my test scores I’ll have to take the GRE again and score at least a 950 and earn a 3.25 cumulative grade point average on my first three courses. I have that in the bag. In the last two years of undergrad I’d gotten my act together and was easily earning 3.5 and up each semester. And the GRE thing…well of course I’m not going to blow the roof off it when I only studied less than a week for it. I got an 880 on my first try and with some studying I’m sure I’ll surpass the blanket requirement of 1000.

I can breathe now. I can make plans. I wanted to start grad school in the summer, but things don’t always work out how we want them to, now do they? So, I have five months to enjoy and prepare. I’m going to enjoy working and living without having to take a class or write an essay. (I don’t think I’ve ever had that luxury.) But I’m also going to prepare. I’m going to read Fundamentals of Communication and work on my speech…speaking clearly, eliminating “umms” and enunciating “g” on words such as going, doing, believing…stuff like that. All that’s left for me to do now is convince my lender to defer my student loans until after I receive my master’s since they start in June. Wish me luck on that, lol.

One Step Closer

I heard back from the College of Communications admissions liaison…but let’s go back in time for a minute.

I finally received my GRE test scores on Saturday (when I couldn’t do anything with them besides look at them over and over). Let me just state that I really, really hope I get in because I don’t want to have to pay for that test again, let alone take it again. It cost $140 and I had to borrow the money from my aunt to pay for it. I have yet to pay her back…but I told her I was one of her investments and that she’d receive her dividends in a few years. And she will, she knows I love her.

But anyway, I walked the test scores over to the College of Communications because as of…umm…TODAY they still had not received them. So, this morning I took it upon myself to be proactive (and to settle my own anticipation). I wrote an email to the admissions liaison thanking her for how helpful she’d been (mainly to pump her head up, but she was helpful), asking if I needed to do anything else concerning the application, and when could I expect to hear something back since I was really cutting it close in regards to time and deadlines. I mean, classes start May 11 and I don’t have an acceptance letter nor am I registered for any courses. She replied to my email in a very direct and “cut-the-bull” response:

I received your scores and I should know something from the committee sometime next week. I will notify you by e-mail.

So, all I can do now is wait and hope for the best...

Not everything is a stereotype…

By now I’m sure you’ve heard about the incident with the Moats family…NFL player prevented from saying goodbye to his dying mother-in-law, the officer’s gun being pulled, the officer ego tripping, the police chief’s statement, etc....



Earlier this week, the couple, Ryan and Tamishia Moats, appeared on “Good Morning America” and talked about the incident. First of all, I was pleased to see another example of black love on display across the nation, albeit under heart wrenching circumstances. As Robin Roberts, asked the questions we wanted answers to, the Moats responded with grace and dignity, and said that they forgave the officer and will accept a personal apology (I may be paraphrasing but here’s the link to the interview http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Health/story?id=7204226&page=1).

Now I first heard about this incident last week. I saw the headline on a message board that I frequent, but skipped over it because I didn’t want to know the details of the depressing story at the time. I knew that it would make headlines and that I’d inevitably see it again. And I did. A few days later I went to get a haircut and it came on the television in the barbershop just as the barb…excuse me…stylist started working on my sideburns and neck with the razor. It was a lesson in self-control and self-mastery to say the least. The sounds of Ryan Moats’ pleads and frustration made me hot inside…I needed to do something…join in on the conversation about the incident with the other patrons, or tell what I would do if I’d been in the situation. But I couldn’t. Half of my face was covered in shaving cream and the other side was under a razor. And so the heat festered…and I had to fight back tears that decided they wanted to show up for the event as well.



I’m glad to say that I controlled my emotions during that experience. Not because I was afraid I was breaking some “Man” law, but because I need to learn to remain impartial when dealing with situations like these that I may come into contact with in the future when I begin my career. So, I capped off what I was feeling and slipped the emotions I was feeling out of me…bit by bit.

I have to give it too the Moats. If I was prevented from being at the bedside of a woman who was like a mother to me over some bullshit it would have take me a long time to remember was forgiveness is. (Of course I say that because it hasn’t happened to me and hopefully it won’t.) But with that stated, and after being in a state of spiritual vulnerability and being surrounded and uplifted by those with compassion on reserve, I probably would have been just as forgiving to that ass. I think I also would have rested well knowing that vengeance is the Lord’s and my, my, my, didn’t that officer get what was coming to him? Child…

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/sports/football/Most-Hated-Cop-Speaks-Out-on-Moats-Traffic-Stop.html

This blog was inspired by a discussion a friend and I had on the recent film “The Secret Life of Bees.” Now it was no masterpiece by any means, but I found it to be a charming and sweet (no pun intended) cinematic experience, and for the most part didn’t have any complaints about it. However, the friend that I was talking to about the movie thought otherwise. She is a woman of substance and supports causes to uplift the black community so I listen to what she has to say and welcome the intelligent discussions that we often have. She stated that the film supported the stereotype that black people are forgiving…now you know I looked at her sideways when she said that. “Forgiving…what do you mean by that,” I asked.



POSSIBLE MOVIE SPOILERS
She went on to explain that realistically black people wouldn’t act like the characters in the film. They wouldn’t be so forgiving as to allow a little white girl to live with them whose actions were associated with the death of their loved ones and so on and so forth…
END OF POSSIBLE MOVIE SPOILER

Of course I thought about what she had to say…and pondered the things she said; mainly that one of the stereotypes about black people is that we are a “forgiving” people. I don’t think that’s a stereotype. I believe it to be true. After all the shit the black race has been subject to we still are a forgiving people…and this could be related to the strong influence of religion and spirituality in our lives. More importantly, I think we all know someone who will remind us that we will be consumed by our hatred, feelings of victimization, and feelings of being slighted when we fail to remind ourselves of this time proven theory. Furthermore, the Moats…after their ordeal…forgave the officer who acted like and ass and kept it moving because they knew in the end that forgiveness was their strength, the past could not be changed, and that comeuppance would be just around the corner.

Sankofa

This morning I had the television on “Good Morning America” as I was getting ready for work. I’m a fan of Robin Roberts and would like to sit on a couch and talk about whatever to millions of people just like her. Today was the kickoff of their “Black and White Now” three-day series about the current state of race relations. The first segment consisted of them revisiting the black and white doll experiment famously conducted by Kenneth and Mamie Clark in the 1940s. In the original experiment, 63% of the children (both black and white) chose the white doll as the “nicer” doll, and 44% of the black participants said they looked like the white doll. However, in the experiment conducted recently, “88% percent of our children [black children] happily identify with the dark-skinned doll,” and 47% labeled the white doll as pretty.

Here's a link to the article on the segment
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=7213714&page=1

I was happy to see how the self-image of young black children had changed over the years. Of course you would expect a major switcheroo in views held in the 40s, but for me it was a little more poignant than that. I remember in Pre-K, roughly 19 years ago, racing the other children (boys and girls) to scoop up the white dolls during playtime. The few times that I ended up with the dark-skinned doll I remember being very disappointed that I didn’t get the light-skinned doll…my parents probably would have been disappointed that I was playing with dolls but oh well...that’s a blog for another day. I also remember a few years later---I believe I was seven---asking my cousin “don’t you wish you were white?” To which she responded in all her 11-year-old intelligence that she “was proud to be black, especially after all that Dr. King did.” She handed my ass to me and I’m glad she did in retrospect.

A few years later, one of my uncles gave me a book that served as the catalyst for my interest in black studies. It was entitled African Americans: Voices of Triumph: Perseverance. It was the first book of a three-part series and dealt with the history of blacks…from the ancient African dynasties to the present, how far we’d come, and all that we’d been through. The book was magnificently illustrated and had drawings of beautiful black people of all shades sitting on thrones, conducting meetings, and taking care of business…basically running shit. But there were also photographs of black people closer to the touch with raised trails of flesh across their backs awarded to them for speaking out, attempting to run away, and for defying those who thought themselves entitled to the life of another for mere exchange of coins. And towards the end of the book, there were more photographs...photographs of people that very well could have been my grandparents had the cameras been in different locations…photographs of the struggle, the cause, and the pride.

I credit that particular uncle with my deciding to earn a degree in African American Studies. With the risk of sounding preachy…please take the time to mentor our youths. Some hide the troubles they are unaware of deep in the trenches of their minds. And yes, a mind is a terrible thing to waste, but it is also a terrible thing to fuck up…excuse my language. My Godson happens to be that same uncle’s son, and I’m honored to have the chance to reciprocate the influence over his precious and three-year-old continuously forming mind. God bless him. He’s my little militant. I take Godfather duties very seriously, and I’m determined to not allow his mind to slip into areas of negative self-image. He has a picture of me from my recent commencement activities, and I hope to give him another picture of me in a cap and gown pretty soon. Hmmm…now if I could only bring to the light a certain someone who wants to marry a light-skinned man so that she can have a light-skinned baby…

I think I received good news today...

Today an email popped up from the Office of Financial Aid telling me to check my award amount. I checked and it was a nice lil' peace of change waiting for me that I could use for the summer session...umm but I still haven't heard back from the admission's department. I also haven't gotten my GRE official test scores back, so that could be the hold up. I checked the GRE website to see if there was some way for me to see the scores online, but nope...no online score posting. However they had the nerve to have a "score by phone" option for $12. Umm, yeah...I can wait. According to the website I should receive my scores in 10-15 days via mail from New Jersey. Today is day 11. At any rate, that got my hopes up a little bit today.

Krispy Kreme and some bullshit...

You know…I got up this morning and thought what the hell…I’m on a diet (like always) but I really want some doughnuts from Krispy Kreme (two original glazed and two chocolate to be exact). So, I’m driving down the street in the right lane of a four lane road when all of a sudden this lady from the oncoming lane cuts across the two lanes including mine. Ok, about a year and a half ago a lady with no insurance did the same thing in the same spot...I mean what the hell! So, I brake…and tell her to bring her ass on out her and finish cutting me off…which she promptly did. And guess where she ended up turning…yep, she jumped right in front of me in the drive thru of Krispy Kreme. Keep in mind I was already late for work, and now I had three cars in front me. So, I spent all of 5 minutes waiting and listening to the Strawberry Letter (from the Steve Harvey Morning Show) before I got up to the drive thru speaker. Now I don’t know if this is a sign of things to come for the rest of the day or not, but Krispy Kreme…at 8:00 in the morning…with the “Hot” light on…was out of chocolate glazed doughnuts. Needless to say, I drove off…driving over the curb in the process. This is one day that I hope the admissions committee does not contact me.

I should clarify...

I should clarify that I am not yet a grad student. I fully intended to go to law school this fall, but it didn’t seem realistic in terms of me relocating, finding a job in a new city, finding a place to get a haircut, etc. So, I got a job here in Tallahassee that wanted a long-term commitment (a Godsend considering the job market), and since I don’t like sitting idle when I’m not working (and happen to have a lot of free time since I’m single, with no kids or pets), I decided to pursue a Master’s degree while here in the city.

The art of communication has long interested me and was briefly my major in undergrad before I changed it to English. I also happen to be a bit of a procrastinator; therefore I ended up fulfilling the oral requirement to graduate in my last semester. The communication course rekindled my love of communication and suggested another way I could indulge myself in words and language. I applied two weeks ago to the College of Communication and am waiting to hear back from the admissions committee.

I must say that if I get in it will be nothing short of the hand of God that I will have gotten accepted. I missed the application deadline by 12 days and my GRE scores were less than desirable. I submitted my application and took the GRE less than a week later (after the nice lady helping me with the application process made it clear that I was cutting it hella close). Now, I don’t like making excuses, but I’d spent most of my time preparing for the LSAT, not the GRE. So, say what you want…but the two tests are different! Now the effed up part of this is that I went to the mail box yesterday and guess what was there waiting on me all willy nilly…a freaking GRE prep computer disc with “time sensitive” stamped on it. You damn right, it WAS time sensitive. Now what am I going to use it for? A coaster?

First things first...100 Things About the Grad

1. I am an African American male.
2. I am 23 years old.
3. I do not have any children.
4. Black is my favorite color.
5. I graduated from Florida State University with a B.A. in English and African American Studies.
6. I enjoy being in the company of great people.
7. I am beginning to recognize myself as a friend.
8. My favorite magazines are Essence, Vibe, and O Magazine.
9. I love my mom and dad.
10. I only have a few close friends.
11. I am 5’10 and ¾.
12. I have a younger sister.
13. I enjoy taking trips and going on vacation (although I don’t get the chance to do so that often).
14. I love music (mostly R & B, Jazz, Gospel, and Neo Soul).
15. I am most proud of my degree. I went through a lot to get it and I deserve it.
16. I want to work for CNN.
17. I currently live in Tallahassee, Fl.
18. I started my blog in March 2009
19. I love to read books mainly autobiographies, self-help, spiritual, and black literature.
20. I enjoy a glass of wine every now and then.
21. I don’t like liars and fake people.
22. I look forward to being in a meaningful and stable relationship with a man.
23. I used to be severely depressed.
24. I am an advocate for therapy.
25. I like cooking, just not everyday.
26. I am a Christian.
27. My favorite film is “The Color Purple.”
28. I am deathly afraid of snakes.
29. I do not have any pets.
30. I used to work as a knife salesman.
31. I found out quickly that I am not a salesperson.
32. I enjoy card games (Spades, Uno, Tonk, and Phase Ten).
33. I am a kind-hearted, down-to-earth, intimate person.
34. I am very opinionated.
35. I find it easy to admit when I am wrong.
36. I try to take naps during my lunch break.
37. I don’t go to church as often as I should.
38. I have one Godson.
39. I don’t see children in my future.
40. I have never been arrested.
41. I have never gotten a speeding ticket (knock on wood).
42. I am right-handed.
43. I use to work for a national hotel chain (I quit after two days).
44. I can go no longer than two weeks without a haircut.
45. I have three years of experience in the hospitality industry but I refuse to kiss ass.
46. I love a good night’s rest.
47. I am becoming more financially literate.
48. I wish I enjoyed writing.
49. I prefer the winter season.
50. I am not an outdoors type of person.
51. I have never been to a club.
52. I am gay and sometimes forget it.
53. I am planning on buying a gun within the year.
54. I am a great listener.
55. I am inspired by my aunt. She got her MBA while dealing with an illness, twin boys, and an infant.
56. My favorite cousin is my hero and he also suggested the name of this blog. Shout out to the event planner extraordinaire of Atlanta, Ga.
57. I am becoming more confident with each day.
58. I am intrigued by the art of communication.
59. I think I inherited a bulk of my mother’s personality. She’s a trip, lol.
60. I have never been in a romantic relationship.
61. If I could go back to any time period, it would have to my college days.
62. I am a health fanatic. Take care of yourselves! You only have this one body.
63. I have an odd sense of humor.
64. I am not on the DL but I’m not out either.
65. I am honest.
66. I’ve had the same cell phone number for almost five years and am thinking about changing it.
67. I will be getting my Master’s in Media and Communication Studies.
68. I want to live in Atlanta, GA.
69. I love natural and organic products.
70. My favorite dessert is chocolate. (Plain and simple or as an adjective to a dish.)
71. I hate to see women get hurt.
72. My happiness is hard-earned.
73. I handle grief very well.
74. I can’t stand a dirty bathroom.
75. I don’t like people who ridicule others.
76. I am a huge fan of Ugly Betty, Grey’s Anatomy, and Desperate Housewives.
77. Teenage celebrity crush: Monica.
78. I feel as if I squandered the chance at potentially great relationships in the past but am at peace with things as they are.
79. I have the hardest time getting up with the alarm clock.
80. I got my job during a hiring freeze. God is good.
81. I love acting (watching, learning techniques, discussing an actor’s choice).
82. I love everything awards (Oscar, Grammy, Tony, Emmy).
83. I would like to take of photography as a hobby.
84. I love hard, and have to be careful with that.
85. I am not a huge sport fan, but I like going to live sports events.
86. I play tennis, but am not “good.” I’d prefer hitting the balls, rather than playing the game.
87. When I was a little boy I wanted to be a scientist.
88. I am an Aquarius.
89. My ten year high school reunion will be in 2014.
90. I majored in English because I wanted to go to law school (and still do).
91. I majored in African American Studies because I wanted to.
92. I have had three cars.
93. I live alone and love it.
94. I am quiet, not weak.
95. I like yoga.
96. I have only gotten drunk twice. I don’t understand people who get drunk on purpose. Anyone care to explain?
97. I wish I could give my younger self a hug.
98. I like to sing, but will admit I’m not the best.
99. I like plays but have only written one.
100. I love me.