I got tested yesterday...

I had a STD screening yesterday. There was nothing to be worried about, but as a gay man I feel its something I have to do as regularly as seeing a dentist. Its always an interesting experience to say the least. It starts with a urine sample. (I’d prefer to have a plastic cup with a cap on it, but who am I to question the tried and true methods of peeing in a paper cup with no cap on it.) For me that’s always the hardest part because I have to put the cup down, fix my clothes, and wash my hands while carrying around a urine sample. But once that’s over its all good, lol. Then I had to go back to the waiting room for a while and update some paperwork.

I usually go to the Department of Health’s clinic. It’s quick and the services are prorated based on your income. My total cost was a little over $7. There is a television in the waiting room that’s always on CNN. And of course the latest state to recognize gay marriage was being featured, lol. For a moment I was slightly uncomfortable (despite recognizing gay tendencies since the age of 4 and always knowing I was gay, I didn’t embrace my sexuality until I was 21 so I’m still getting used to being okay with it). The segment featured two men kissing…in general I’m not a fan of public displays of affection. But then a guy sitting two chairs away from me let out a groan and then a chuckle. It was about ten of us in the waiting room and he was the only one to outwardly react to the segment. (1 out of 10 ain’t bad at all.) But anyway…that’s the kind of shit I have to deal with.

I didn’t have to wait too long before Louise (name changed), the nurse, called my name. She was probably in her mid-50s, white, short hair, stocky, and about 5’4.” She checked my blood pressure which was 176/20 something. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but it was good. Then the interesting part came… She proceeded to ask me the usual questions, but felt the need to caution me about them being sexually explicit. I think she was uncomfortable asking me the questions…I had no problem answering them. It’s easy to answer “no” to “have you ever had sex with anyone for money or drugs?” Hell no! LOL But I guess its something enigmatic about a young, black, clean-cut, gay guy being responsible for his health. LOL, anyway…I’ll give her a pass. And I did. She flustered and said, “Sometimes these questions are just…” I helped her out and told her, “I’m a writer, so I’m used to putting myself out there.” She laughed and asked if I was planning on writing a novel. Not just yet Louise.

The nurse took my blood sample. The sight of the needles hurt more than the insertion itself so I tend to look away. Louise finished labeling and writing, told me the doctor would be in shortly, and left. I moved from the chair to the examination table because it was more comfortable, plus I knew I’d end up on it anyway. Might as well beat the doctor to the punch, right?

I had to wait about a minute before the doctor came to the room. She was a friendly lady, and the same doctor I’d seen on previous visits. She started the examination by asking me if anything was wrong, checking lymph nodes, and checking my chest, back and feet for a rash specific to syphilis. Everything was cool…moving along. She took a throat culture by sticking these things that looked like long cotton swabs down my throat and joked saying, “This is the part I hate. It’s usually when I see something coming back at me that I move away.” “I bet you do,” I said. She laughed and told me to pull down my pants and underwear so she can check out the “going ons” down there, LOL. She didn’t say it like that…that’s all me LOL. But it was at the moment that I remembered I’d wore bikini underwear that day…oh well.

“I would wear a special kind of underwear today,” I laughed.
She looked.
“There’s nothing wrong with those underwear,” she replied.
“Yeah, you’ve probably seen it all.”
She burst out laughing...it didn’t seem all that funny to me but I guess it made her remember a particular patient in the past.
“Well, I don’t say that I’ve seen it all because as soon as I do…something else trumps it.”
She composed herself and examined the front and back. Everything’s cool and she told me I could pull my pants back up.

The doctor did some more writing and labeling and gave me my checkout form to take to the cashier. She told me to schedule an appointment to come get the results in three weeks and sent me on my way.

Overall, it was a respectful experience and I hope this post shows that its not as bad or scary as it may seem. It may be and seem a little uncomfortable, but if you pride yourself in being responsible for your health you’ll be okay. So now it’s your turn!